These new Ken dolls are… audacious.
It’s really 2017, you know. What can I say? Am I a bad person if I don’t like them? They’re so thoughtful.
It’s the Attack of the Dashing, Young, and Bold! Join Progressive Ken & co. as we dismantle hegemonic masculinity!
In good old Arizona, we had a precise word for kids like this- ‘tools.’
‘What do you mean, kids like this?’
You know exactly what I mean:
Woke. Let’s explore ‘Yes, and-‘ solutions. ‘Sustainability’ major. ‘They’ not ‘he,’ please. Down with patriarchy! Up with online shopping! Longboards to class. Sends unsolicited nudes. He might kiss a boy if the right people apply the right peer pressure. Uses you to pass classes. He doesn’t actually like you; or anything. You could shred a cabbage on his abs, you could use the crux of his biceps as a bottle opener.
Watches hideously violent anime. Cheats on his girlfriend. No cardio day. Still listens to Dru Hill. Doesn’t vote. Smiles at everyone- despises everyone. STEM major; patronizing ‘open-minded’ amused-grin when he meets a humanities student at a party. ‘Oh, really, that’s interesting.’
‘Well, ha, ACTUALLY-‘ From a nondescript bend in the jumbo suburbs. Actually a psychopath. Has a samurai sword collection. Pretends not to remember you from high school when you meet again at a Chiodos concert. Goes to those nostalgic 90’s bar nights. Still an Emo kid. English major- has Hunter S. Thompson relief-sticker on his laptop. Knows the best coke dealer.
Ignores you with his headphones. Carries drum sticks at school. Good family. Music lessons after Football practice. Soccer too. He’s the coolest and friendliest kid in P.E.- everyone earnestly wishes the best for him… but notice the absence of passion in his expression. Clinically, dangerously depressed. Something dear missing in life. Doesn’t know what it means to feel. Can’t speak out. Save him! The spiral is accelerating, his descent years in the making! Desperately needs a self-quest, a wiser guiding figure. Good, straight-laced kid, in a deranged, unfeeling plastic world…
There’s more, but I can’t bare to look any longer. You get the picture. These men will be the death of you. Soon they will have punk-activist Ken, eco-terrorist Ken. These young gentlemen are the creme of the crop- progressive, enlightened jewels of our generation. So earnest about car-pooling. With foul morning breath he holds you close and calls you ‘dearest’ and ‘darling,’ cathecting you in his brokenplastic imagination, post- one night stand. Love him.
Anodyne Ken will save the World. Ken has never loved and never bled. He will cry when you leave him, but he’s not gonna do anything irrational or passionate or human.
Right on, right on. The progressive march of civilization. Ever-widening circle of prosperity and inclusion. Democracy. Capitalism. Ken. Tell me your deepest fears.