absurd film scenario #1 – detective homo-erotica metaphysica

After college, a friend and I made a plan to just ‘sell our shit, move to Hollywood, and pitch some fuckin’ movie ideas, man.’

We came up with a lot of shit. And since I don’t think we’re going to live our dreams, sadly, I’ll put them on the internet, where all dreams go to die. Maybe you can steal them and steal our dream and really do it. Just email me, so I can get the voyeur-satisfaction.


Johnny Depp is an Inspector Gadget-like detective, with a ridiculous, subtly-sexual robotic toolkit. It’s Johnny Depp at his best, sleek and aquiline and kind of a sleazy, creepy dirtbag. He has long hair, runs around L.A. in a fly purple suit.

He is hunting Jim Carrey, who is portraying, with not a little excess-satisfaction, the Riddler, again. (like in the shitty Batman of the 90’s.) They are inversed characters- Johnny Depp is goofy-cool, the Carrey Riddler giggly and perverse and absolutely a freak.

jim carrey

There is of course a Damsel in Distress, a sharp, dashing, cool and calm Jessica Alba (from the hood, this is LA.) She saves herself and saves the day from the lunatic Carrey Riddler as he tries to melt the Mayor of LA, or dump a bunch of nuclear bombs into the ocean, or secede from the union, or kidnap President Trump, or something. Something stupidly diabolical. Maybe he’s a communist. Yeah.

I don’t know what actually happens, but Alba discovers that the Inspector and the Riddler are actually the same person (dun dun dun!) in a classic hollywood psycho thriller comedy sex romp.

Fantastico!Take it! write it up someone!


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