I am scared to get on twitter

I like to write and shit, and I want people to read the shit that I write. That means I gotta get my twitter game up and running. Clearly.

‘Damn the twenty first century,’ I’m grumbling, as I try to hack out some snazzy ‘twitter-handle.’ I did figure out a nice one, but I’m somehow embarrassed to use it; even too bashful to say it aloud.


But I gotta be smart with it. This is advanced capitalism, you know. I’m not some baby-boomer pounding my keyboard, half-amazed, half-horrified at this confounded internet contraption. I was born in ’93, I was pretty much weaned on Myspace… remember myspace? No, you don’t, because it’s buried deep in the repressed layers of adolescence. I won’t go there.

Everytime a new ‘social media’ comes along I am perplexed at why we call these Silicon Valley creatures our Lords. Why do we refer to them, in a disgusting use of language, as ‘Creatives’?

Facebook is just the ‘bulletins’ part of Myspace. Instagram is just the pictures part of Facebook. Twitter took the ‘status’ feature from the already-decaying corpse of Mark Zuckerberg. Snapchat is Instagram with ADHD.

What else is there? That app for one-night-stands and ego-experimentation and meeting strangers. What is it called? Tinder. I really couldn’t remember it. Tinder is eHarmony for thirsty millennials. Do people still say Thirsty? God damn. I can’t keep up.

I’ve heard of OKcupid, and I am very, very, deeply lonesome, but I don’t dare venture forth…

Err, well, OKAY, Cupid…

See, I deleted my Facebook when I was 19 (this was like… 2012? 2013? That was peak Facebook way back then. That was like a different world, shit.) Anyways, I never, ever looked back. Contrary to some other blogposts I’ve read about ripping the Facebook from your psyche, I was immediately liberated, and never curious about it. But then again I had an appetite for reality. The shit just doesn’t interest me…

I remember a certain professor who told me that all the academics and sociologists thought the Internet was going to save the world- we could all finally read our digital volumes of Capital and turn society upside down.Why isn’t this happening? Maybe it is, slow-motion, and we’re all churning in the middle of it, unable to recognize the moment for what it is. That’s a pretty hopeful outlook. Lot’s of smarter people say no, no, young lad. Wait for Life to break you and teach you better.

The real reason I am scared to get on Twitter is because I read a very, very good book by Wendy Chun. The Internet is not some wide-open country range, a cyberspace wild wild west. It’s more like a privately owned shopping mall, the mandatory-membership of which you must pay for. Despite the common idea of a perfect Subject you, surfing the internet, master of the images and words and sounds being injected into your mind, you are actually being interpellated (such a great word) by your Internet Machine into a ‘User;’ the kicker being that the internet doesn’t really exist without you feeding into it… the Internet uses you, the user.

She makes a dazzling comparison to the Deity-Entity that haunted the famous patient of Freud, the paranoid Schreber.



Anyways. Twitter. So much of our ‘radical leftist whatever’ happens on twitter. I even read Jacobin articles that are solely about things that happened on twitter. And now I am forced to contribute to this thought-mill, this monster whose stupid thoughts are the 140 characters of self-conscious vomit, all of it the pinnacle of neurosis, trying to be witty and funny for some supposed big Other.

But that’s my bitter old man talk. Ignore it. Feed the Machine. Get at me on twitter, I guess, (oh god…) : @android_eros


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